Category Archives: MFK Mondays
Marry, Fuck, Kill. Who ya got?
MFK Mondays: Hope, Butterfield, Ram’s Den
MFK Mondays are back! This week’s contest is between the three major dining halls/cafeterias at URI. Let’s go through the options
Hope-Pasta and stir fry stations are always a solid go-to! Burgers taste worse than Big Foot’s dick. Homestyle is hit or miss. Tracy doesn’t grill sandwiches anymore so I don’t even bother getting hot sandwiches anymore. Hope omelets on a Sunday can cure any hangover. Hell, they could probably cure polio or small pox.
Butt- Easily the nicest staff on campus. Betty may be the nicest person in the history of earth. Pizza and omelets are nice. Tacos are about as good as Jim Baron was last year. Ice cream is always a plus.
Ram’s Den- The only place on campus to get Chinese food. If it’s not General Tsao’s, it’s not worth it. Yeah you can get pizza, but its terrible. Burgers are nothing special. Sandwiches contain no meat and will stick to the wrapping.
The easiest choice is to kill off Ram’s Den. They are slow and the food tastes awful. After eating Ram’s Den you feel ready to audition for Alien.
Next, I think I have to marry Butterfield. I know this probably isn’t the most popular choice, but I fucking love ice cream. The dinners are pretty good. You can’t ever go wrong with an omelet or pizza there. Consistent quality.
So, that leaves me to fuck with Hope. Hope is just too hit or miss. Homestyle can be great or they can overcook, dry everything out, and cover it in spice. They also have a terrible habit of reusing desserts. Hope can be good, but its not a life long relationship.
MFK Monday: Frustrated Bloggers Top 3 Pornstars
1. Abella Anderson
2. Lupe Fuentes
3. Lila Star
Kill: The easy choice for kill is Lela Star.She has fucked more cock and has appeared in more videos that there is a 100% chance that her vagina is a gaping tunnel filled with STD’s and E. Coli. I would have to steer clear from fucking this sloot, I will stick to the internet for Lila.
Marry: Abella Anderson is the marriage choice. She is fairly new in the porn industry and has the best chance of being clean. She knows how to party, fuck, and moves her hips better then any porn-star I have ever seen. She has the potential for life partner status.
Fuck: For a fuck buddy or one night stand purpose, Lupe Fuentes is the girl of my dreams. She is a petite, Latina girl with a perfect ass, huge tits, and she rides like a pro. The only flaw is her annoying voice, I could not deal with her voice for the rest of my life.
MFK Monday: Political B*tches
1. Michelle Obama
2. Hilary Clinton
3. Sarah Palin
Fuck: Without a doubt, I would destroy Palin. I would bend her over the Oval Office desk and show her what America truly stands for. Out of the 3, she is by far the best looking political bitch in the game. My red,white, and blue (but mainly white) will be all over her face. She will be screaming for America all night.
Marry: If I am going to marry one of these 3, I am marrying Michelle Obama. Not only is she an active member in the White House, but I have serious jungle fever. I could fuck her for the rest of my life. Marrying Michelle Obama would also be a direct smack to Barack Obama’s face. Nothing would piss off the failure of a president more,than marrying and banging his wife. She would also provide awesome, healthy food for me. Plus she would introduce me to many celebrity figures.
Kill: Based on elimination, Hilary Clinton is the kill. One less liberal out of politics. There is just no way I would fuck or marry her. We would be arguing politics day in and day out. Then she would become paranoid about me cheating. She would hire secret agents just to follow me and spy on me. I would never fuck her either. Too old and wrinkly and probably has a dry, dusty vagina.
Who would you marry, fuck, and kill?
MFK Mondays: Breaking Bad Girls
1. Skyler
2. Marie
3. Jane
Kill: This option is the easiest. Without question, Skyler has to go. She is a souless, evil bitch. Walter simply just wants to cook some meth to support his family and she is a completely supportive wife. She makes everyone’s life a living hell and should go fall off a cliff.
Fuck: Between Jane and Marie, Jane would have to be my fuck. I cannot marry a heroine addict. Jane is hot enough for a one time fuck with no commitment. Her personality is also very bland and boring, I will stick my dick in her once but that is all I am doing. Hopefully she doesn’t have an STD from sharing needles.
Marry: This means I get to marry Marie. Marie is the evil sister of Skyler. She deserves to be eaten by a pack of hyenas just as much as Skyler does. Since Skyler is the one to kill, I have to marry Marie. There is at least one benefit from this. She has no problem shop lifting. She can steal me whatever she wants as long as I don’t get arrested after she commits the crimes.
Who would you marry, fuck, and kill?
MFK Mondays: Terrible ESPN2 Programming
After a long hiatus, we are back with our weekly specials…
This week we ask you to play Marry, Fuck, Kill with terrible ESPN2 shows.
1. First Take
2. Outside the Lines
3. SportsNation
Daytime ESPN2 programming is so bad that it should be used as punishment for thieves and murderers in prison. Unfortunately for all of you, you have to play MFK with these terrible shows.
I think the easiest way to do this is figure out which I hate the most. Skip Bayless is an asshole and needs to die. I love Stephen A, but he is not worth dealing with Skip.
Outside the lines with Bob Ley is like a shitty version of SportsCenter. It usually runs at the same time too. I wish I could kill this show too, but since I only get one kill, I guess I’ll have to fuck Bob.
That leaves me with marrying SportsNation. Horrible show, but at least the interactive features with fans can make it bearable.
In recap:
Marry: SportsNation Fuck:Outside the Lines Kill: First Take
MFK Mondays: URI Basketball
1. Jim Baron
2. Dan Hurley
3. Thorr Bjorn
Marry: Without question the easy option for marriage is Dan Hurley. He is young, energetic, and shows a lot of promise with the URI basketball team. If anybody can bring the team to victories and the NCAA tournament, Dan Hurley is the man to do it. He will be making money and marriage is an easy way to get rich.
Kill: Jim Baron would have to be the person to kill. He had an unsuccessful and unexciting URI run when I was at the school and his mustache is simply un”baron”able. There are creatures living in his mustache and it is something no one would want to go near. His mustache also eats people and can give you triple E.
Fuck: Based on elimination I have to fuck Thorr Bjorn. He is a great guy but nothing worth marriage and I wouldn’t kill him. He must be fucked.
MFK Mondays: Brown, UMass Amherst, Providence College
1. Providence College
2.UMass Amherst
3. Brown University
Kill: Without question I would kill Providence College.One of URI’s biggest rivals. The fact that students are not allowed to have over-night guests or guests at all past 10pm is blasphemy. The school also does not provide condoms for the students. At the end of the day due to this fact alone, Providence College is not really a college, more or less an organization that brain washes its students into being lame ass hole their entire life. Going without sex is not an option which is why Providence College gets killed.
Fuck: Without question I would fuck Amherst. I could not marry UMass because of the simple fact that the student body is overwhelmed with douche bags and lacks class. It is called no class UMass for a reason. It is not a school I would want to bring home and introduce to my mother. UMass is good for a one time fuck and that is all it deserves.
Marry: Due to process of elimination and the fact that Brown students make a ton of money gives all the reason to marry those no good hipsters.They might be stuck up, spoiled pricks but in the end I will have a lot more money from marrying Brown.
P.S. While married to Brown, I would annihilate Emma Watsons tight little snatch.
MFK Mondays: Disney Princesses
Ladies, I’m about to ruin your childhood!
The three we are picking from are The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, and Mulan.
Marry: Cinderella. Blonde and innocent. Knows how to clean the fucking house. I won’t ever have to worry about doing house-work again. I’m marrying cinderella and forcing her fairy god-mother to grant me wishes. (I wish for the URI Men’s basketball team to win more than 7 games this year!)
Fuck: The Little Mermaid. This one was a no-brainer. Who wouldn’t want to fuck a mermaid? Being a red-head is deff a plus. Plus she’s got a nice, firm, swimmers body.
Kill: Mulan. As much as I’ve always wanted to hook-up with an asian, I gotta kill someone. And sorry I’d rather fuck a mermaid than an asian. Plus Mulan looks too much like a dude. She could prob kick my ass. I could never be with an intimidating girl who is more jacked than me or who could beat me up.
MFK Mondays: Cartoon Smokes
3. Lois Griffin
Kill: I am going to start with kill because I think it is pretty obvious that Marge Simpson needs to be killed. She has a raspy voice, a very unattractive hair-do, and she has to have a blue beaver. Chances are the carpets match the drapes and it is not a risk I want to take.
Fuck: For a one time fuck I would choose Liane Cartman. Her family is the 2nd poorest in South Park and she is a dirty whore. She has slept with nearly everyone and has performed unspeakable sexual activities. She is not wife material, she’s good for that one time you are way too drunk and horny.
Marry: Marrying Lois Griffin was an easy choice. She values family, the most attractive out of the 3, and has somewhat of an income. For having sex with one cartoon character for the rest of my life, Lois Griffin is an easy choice to make.
MFK Monday: Blackberry, Iphone, and Android
1. Blackberry
2. Iphone
3. Android
Kill: I will start with kill because this is pretty obvious. We need to just put Blackberry out of its misery, we all know that there is not shot for a comeback with Blackberry. It is just a dying business awaiting its assassination.
Marry: Even though marrying the Iphone would be very expensive, it would be a long lasting, reliable marriage. There are endless applications and possibilities and the Iphone comes from the wealthiest family in the business, Apple. This would be an easy way to screw Apple out of some money.
Fuck: Due to process of elimination I have to fuck the Android. The Androids are much sexier phones but they are not long lasting or reliable. They are pretty much only good for a quick fuck. They are powerhouses when they are working but after a year they shut down and you always need to upgrade before your contract is up.
