Blog Archives
Does Wearing This Sweatshirt in Hope Get This Guy Laid?
Let’s be honest girls. As much as you say that you’re looking for a “nice guy,” you know what you really want is an asshole. You may even read this and tell yourself, “no! That isn’t me!” But deep down, you realize that your need for approval will allow yourself (after a few too many at Bon Vue) to hook up with guys like this. Is he overweight? Looks like it. Does he have a plaid shirt hanging below the sweatshirt? Looks so. But the words on the back of the sweatshirt speak to you. It says “Hey, I’m an asshole and I don’t care. Now suck my cock!” This guy gets laid 10 times out of 10.
If You’re Gonna Get F*cked Up, Don’t Be an A**hole About It
Drunk Douche
Driving drunk is definitely not the smartest thing to do, nor the safest. But, if you’re going to do it, don’t be a fuckin’ douche about it. At least learn to gage yourself into a parking spot that’s head on before it drops into a ditch. I can honestly say that a blind cat could have parked that car better than this guy did. I mean if there was any clue of possibly not being able to get your car back out of the parking space, it would have been the bumper at the end of the spot. That part that you should be in front of… not over, or in this case see-sawed on top of…
When you wonder whether there’s hope for humanity out there, there usually is. But, if you’re gonna look for it, don’t start with this person. They’ll just mess up your day. Or at least your ability to park properly.
Johnny Appleseed is Such an Asshole
I was thinking about this the other day…Do you guys remember Johnny Appleseed? The guy who went around the country planting apple seeds everywhere? Imagine this guy in this day and age. What a fucking hippy! Dude walks around without his shoes (foot prisons) talking about the trees and the plants. What an insufferable dickhead. You know this guy is collecting on unemployment too. Probably wastes his food stamps on fuckin’ apple seeds. Get a damn job and wear a pair of shoes like the rest of us.
URI Kite-Flyer Is An A-Hole
I have no idea who this guy is. I have never met him or even seen him up close. All I know is that he is the biggest asshole on planet Earth. This jerk started flying his obnoxiously yellow kite on the quad today in the late afternoon. First of all, grow the fuck up! You’re in college. Men don’t fly kites. Boys do. Second, why the fuck is it so big? Overcompensating much? Like look how much of the quad he is taking up in this pic. He must be at least 75 feet away. He kept almost hitting innocent bystanders(or sitters) with his care-free, hippy, virgin flag. I can only assume that he assaulted no less than nine people today with his kite. I hope that the police were called and charges were pressed. Lock this guy up. He is a hazard to society and the American way of life! Freedom from kites. Freedom for America!
Bro Blasts his A-hole With Fireworks
Source- In what appears to be a party trick gone awry, an Australian man suffered severe burns after he put fireworks between his buttocks and set them off. The unidentified man had…taken himself to the hospital to be treated for injuries to his posterior and genital area.
Sweet trick brah! This, ladies and gentlemen, is a great example of differentiating swag and class. If he pulled it off without burning his asshole, people would have laughed about it and said that he had balls to do it. Ladies would stay clear of him, but his guy friends would say he has “swag.” “Class” would be the guy at the bar who hired a professional fireworks artist so that instead of shoving things up his asshole, he could be chillin’ with his lady friends. Besides, this isn’t even a new trick. I think Jackass pretty much covered all “up the ass” related humor. Hey dude, you’re not Steve-O! Get over yourself!
Did You Hear the One About the Bear Who Walked Into a Mall?
Source- A year-old black bear cub surprised Sears shoppers at the Pittsburgh Mill Mall in Frazer, Penn. on Saturday, the Tribune-Review reports. The 120-125 pound furry female was first spotted around 8:30 p.m. the parking lot, where people were chasing the poor cub with their cars, said Matt Marcinik, who was outside smoking at the time.
You know who I blame this one on? Matt Marcinik, the witness. Yeah, Smokey the bear was trying to tell Matt to put-out his cancer stick and what does Matt do? He calls the cops. What an asshole! The bear was probably going into the mall to pick up a nice anniversary gift for his bear wife from Tiffany’s and pick up some protein from GNC, you know, nothing special. What happens? He tells the guy at the door to move 25 feet away from the door because it’s illegal to smoke right at the entrance. Smoker get’s angry and calls the fuzz. Smokers are assholes. Bear was just trying to do his civic duty.
