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So The Huffington Post came out with an article called “10 Essentials for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: A Practical Guide.” I have very little work to do this morning so I figured I’d look through the slide show. The suggestions make sense, but I think I could do it better. The Huff Post suggestions will be put in bold and my comments will be in the default font.

1. Running Shoes

Completely agree. You need something versatile and light weight. You want good traction. I like those cross training shoes because I think that they would hold up better. PS: Nikes are always stylish, just ask Mac Miller.

2. Granola Bars

I see where they were going with this one, but I’m no hippy granola muncher. Energy and protein bars would deff be the way to go. Something with nuts and and a bit of sugar. Cliff bars and Power Bars are the way to go.

3. Headknocker (AKA: melee weapon)

Definitely essential. They showed a picture of a wood baseball bat. Not the best move. If you have ever watched Johnny Damon play baseball, you would know that wood bats don’t hold up. If you want to go with a bat, get a metal softball bat. Softball bats are thicker and lighter. Perfect for beating the shit out of zombies.

4. Wet Wipes

Cleanliness is always important, but I think that basic hand sanitizers (like the one’s found in the URI dining halls) are the way to go. I would feel kinda gay bringing around wet wipes even if I was the last human alive.

  5. Water

Need it. No question. Move on…

6. Bandana

Their point was that dead bodies stink so you want something to cover your nose and mouth. Makes sense, but I’m not a bandana type of guy. Besides where do you even get one? If you don’t own one, can you name one store that just sells bandanas? I wouldn’t even know where to look.

7. Thick Clothing

Makes sense. Thicker clothing to prevent bites. Also makes sense if you live in RI and its cold as fuck. This also makes me wonder…How does cold affect zombies? It always seems to be hot in the zombie movies. Should I just run to Canada where the zombies freeze to ‘death?’

8. Defensible Position

100% with you on this one. Stock up your food and water and create a defensive position. Know your exits.

9. Pistol

Pistols are good. Personal preference comes in to play if you have choices. I like revolvers because there are fewer moving parts and almost never jam. Very reliable and last forever. Not sure why no other guns are listed on the top 10 though. If you have a good defensive position, a sniper rifle could do wonders. A shotgun wouldn’t hurt either. Stock up on as many guns and amo as you can. You can never have too many guns in your previously stated defensive position.

10. An Object of Affection (AKA: a smokin hot babe)

Kate Upton, Jessica Alba, Emmanuelle Chriqui, or Mila Kunis will work just fine. You need someone to repopulate with. For the sake of humanity of course. Doesn’t hurt if they are hot.

So did this article just kinda forget food other than granola bars? How about dessert? Twinkies? If you have seen zombie land, you would know that you need twinkies.

And what else were they missing….I just can’t think of anyth- oh yeah that’s right…. A FUCKING CAR??? How do you expect to get anywhere without one? I like the Ford F-150 pick-up. Plenty of horsepower to tow, room in the 4X4 to carry your gear, an eco-boost engine that will get you around 22MPG, and a roomy cabin. A URI bumper sticker would look cool too.

Whatever you do, don’t bring a nerf gun. You deserve to die before the black guy and the slut if you bring a nerf gun.